Natalicious

Lately I've been having problems with my sleep.

Insomnia and nightmares every night, and it's been bugging the shit out of me.

I thought that as I started feeling more positive about life it would go away, but nah-ah.. still here.

 

Today I found the reason why.

I never thought about it before, which might be strange, but it just never occured to me before this day.

It makes sense now, but it also makes me upset, because it means that I will probaby continue to have these problems until I move to another place..

 

Yeah, that's it, it's this apartment that doesn't allow me to fall asleep.

It's this place that gives me nightmares so that I will wake up.

And no, it's not that I don't like my cute little apartment..

 

About a month ago something bad happened here...

I don't know if this is too much info, I don't know if it's not appropriate, but I will write it anyway because I'm an open person and I don't see what's bad about telling you this.

I'm gonna make a long story short though and just tell you the important part of it.

 

I was being nice and letting a guy (not a stranger) sleep at my place since he missed his last train home.

I was being really sad that night and would've rather been alone, but he said he didn't have anywhere to go and I felt like I couldn't just let him stay out alone all night since he had school the next morning.

When going to bed he came onto me, but I told him I wasn't interested and so he stopped.

Maybe at that point I should've felt alarmed, but I was just tired, sad and wanted to go to sleep.

 

I fell asleep almost instantly, maybe because of the exhaustion from crying a lot.

After a while though (I have no idea how long I had been sleeping) I started waking up again.

Something felt strange and when I opened my eyes I found that he was on top of me.

I didn't get what was happening, I was still half asleep, but soon I understood what was going on.

Not only was he on top of me, he was inside of me..

It all felt like a bad dream, like it wasnt really happening.

Surely this was a strange dream, on of those that seems real but isn't?

I never fully woke up or maybe I just went from sleeping into being in some kind of shock.

I don't even know how long it was going on and I don't know when I fell asleep again, but I did.

I just wanted to wake up quickly and confirm that it was all just in my head.

 

The next day when opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was condom wrapper on the floor.

So it wasn't a dream..

I felt so empty inside, just told him to leave and went to bed again and broke down..

 

Anyway.. that is what happened a month ago.

Today is the first time I actually think about the fact that it happened here, at my place, in my bed..

It all became clear to me when reading about definitions of rape (because of some people I've been doubting that what happened to me even counts since there was no violence involved..not that there had to be any since I wasn't really conscious..).

It said that the victims tend to avoid the place where it happened, which is totally logic and not really something I had to read to know about.

But today was the first time it hit me that I'm in that place EVERYDAY.

This is why I can't sleep.

My subconscious is telling me that this place is not safe, it's telling me not to fall asleep because something bad will happen.

Also when I finally do fall asleep it gives me nightmares to wake me up, like a warning.

This all came to me today and I started crying about it.

I realize now that if I don't get out of this apartment this will continue to haunt me, and I can't just move.

I've been trying not to think about it all, but I know it's tearing on me.

Every time I see a guy that looks like him I get nervous..

When I come home I always look around to see no one is following me..

 

Anyway.. this is getting long.

I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I really don't know what to do now.

I need to sleep, I'm constantly tired.

 

 

 

So, I've been too busy and tired to blog the past few days.
This weekend has been filled with both this and that..

Don't really remember thursday, so I'll give you updates on Friday - Monday!

Friday:

Houseparty at Yuki's place~
He's a guy I met last weekend and we decided that it would be nice to throw a party.
It was really fun, but I had a little too much to drink.. hehe ^ ^;
That always happens when I go to houseparties for some reason.
After I came back home I felt like taking a little walk.
Guess I didn't feel like walking back though, because I got a ride from some random japanese guy ;O
I had Mikael on skype though, so I thought it was OK.
Not that I was really thinking all that much about it.
He works at an izakaya close to my home apparantly.
Thankfully he was just a nice guy giving a lonely girl a ride home ^ ^;

Saturday:

Woke up hungover and felt really tired, but I had to get up and get ready.
Then I went to Shinjuku for some shopping with Yui~
Had to buy some more fake blood and stuff for the Halloween party that night!
I went as some sort of vampire nurse.
I mean.. I had some kind of concept story behind it, but that was really just something I made up to make it seem more special than it was.
Frankly I just wanted to be a bloody nurse, haha.

Here's some pictures I borrowed from Yui's facebook:

 

Sunday:

Went to see Saitou and Joe in Ikebukuro~
Masa was supposed to be there, but he was sleeping x)
He had been working until morning so I get it.
I was dead tired too, barely slept at all.
It was great seeing them again though, so it doesn't matter.
It had been too long since last time!

Monday:

Today that is.
Hmm.. well I didn't go to school.
My scumbag brain decided to play a prank on me.
After turning off my alarm I fell back to sleep and then I had one of those dreams where you wake up and everything feels so real..
In my dream it was already 1pm.
I was quite surprised that I had slept for that long, but since I didn't sleep during the weekend I figured my body just needed it so it didn't seem too suspicious.
I still felt tired though and stayed in bed.
After a while I looked at the time again..
All of a sudden it was 9:30am!
I got up and made myself ready, but I was still so tired..
when I was ready I realized I would only have time to go to school for one hour and I didn't really feel motivated for that, so I stayed home.

To be honest I'm STILL tired.
I never really woke up today..

Oh, and a confession?
I'm getting really tired of Japan -.-
Sure I have fun and I've met new friends recently, but still.
I'm just not sure I wanna be here anymore.

..but when I do it's because my clumsy ass forgets that we have the day off from school!

I have been home and sick for the past 2 days and so today was the day with a big D.
I felt confident, my head didn't hurt so much and I didn't feel deadly tired.
I got up, took a shower, made myself über prettylicious (slight exaggeration) and was ready to go.

With manly roars of determination in my head and a kickass song in my ears I began walking to school.

Luckily part of my brain still loves me and decided to be somewhat nice, so it took about a minute before I realized that they told us last week we didn't have school on this wednesday.
So I went to buy groceries and breakfast instead.

Now I'm sitting here eating an eggsandwich while watching a picture of Joannas "sandwich-cake" and pretending that is what I'm eating because it looked frikkin delicious!

 

I was looking through some old pictures again and I made a discovery.
Funny how some things comes to you 2 years later like this.

I don't know if it is related, but it seems like it could be.
There was a night when I started bleeding furiously out of my mouth.
I had no idea why or where it came from, but my mouth was filled with it and it took a while before it stopped.
All I had been doing before was trying to fall asleep..

Anyway, today I noticed that the day it happened wasn't just anyday at all..
It was the night of the day that I had recovered a surpressed memory of a traumatic event that has affected my life in various ways ever since it happened.

Could it be that the bloodfest that occured was due to emotional pain?
Stress, panic, sadness..
So mentally painful that it became physical?
Scary~

This picture is from that night.
I've never posted it before (even though I've wanted to) because I thought maybe it was inappropriate.
But looking at it now..
It was 2 years ago, you can't at all tell how I look like and even if you could my body has changed since that.
Also, my mother said it was no big deal, and mothers are always right. (?)
Besides, it's not supposed to be about boobs or anything, it's about pain.
To me blood has always been beautiful in a twisted way~

 

Woo-fucking-hoo, it's that time of the year again!

I love it, the dressing up and the spooky atmosphere.

Makes me feel like I'm home ~

 

I just got this craving for blood ^__~

A must when it comes to drinks around this time.

Hmm.. I wonder what it tastes like to mix it in an actual drink?

Pretty much the same as draining an alcoholic maybe.

Hmm.. I should try it and see if there's any resemblence..

 

 

Haha, well, on to some music:

 

Marilyn Manson's version of This Is Halloween from Nightmare Before Christmas

 

 

 

 

 

Haha, well, it's still very easy to find (I was "blessed" with a big one..), but recently it's been getting smaller and I don't even know why.

 

Maybe this is my body trying to motivate me to lose weight?

Or maybe I've been sleep-working-out?

I wonder what kind of workout that would be though..

On the other hand I've been having some weird dreams lately and I'm sure I don't remember even half of them.

Maybe I've been a dog humping legs or something, and my body has made the same movement whilst dreaming about it.

Well, there are a lot of possibilities as to why I've lost about 5 cm all of a sudden!

Sure it's not only the badonka-donk that's been getting smaller, but it sure is ahead of other areas.

I really wish I knew what I was doing so that I could keep doing it..

Or actually start working out?

I guess that is what most people do, huh?

I'm such a lazy bastard..

 

Maybe it's time for a change when it comes to that too!

But I'm not making promises.. because.. well.. I know how it goes whenever I tell people I'm gonna start losing weight.

I end up even more of a fatso, crying in a corner, face full of chocolate and mouth full of potato chips wondering what went wrong.

So let's just see what happens ^__~

That's all I'm gonna say! 

 

 

 

Now that I'm starting a new chapter of my life I decided to take a trip back in time and look at some of the previous chapters as well.

It can be quite interesting and fun!

It can also bring back a lot of bad things, but since they're part of the past it's all good.

When you've finished one of those life chapters and moved on to the next one it doesn't hurt you anymore, they're just reminders that helps you prevent similar things to happen again.

They're memories that can now help you instead of break you as they used to when you were still writing that part of your book~

 

Today's trip wasn't that bad though, it just made me realize how much I've changed and grown.

 

So, let's look at some pictures ^__~

 

Wow.. guess I wasn't always hating the sun, huh? ^ ^;
I was 16 and I probably haven't been tanned ever since?
I know this picture is not very hot but.. maybe I'll try tanning again some summer! 
Wonder if my skin can handle it now though, I always get red whenever I'm in the sun..

And I do like being pale too.. 

 

 

 

Yes, I'm thinking about blogging again.
A place where I can write about my feelings, thoughts, activities.. anything I want~
Better than writing it on facebook statuses, right?
I have to stop myself quite often from doing just that ^ ^;

So here I am again.
I want to start off with giving myself a big welcome back, I've been greatly missed! ^__^

Second of all..
I'm not gonna write a long blogpost this time.
I did, but this super clever site decided to forward me to the login page again instead of publishing it, so I'm writing a shorter version now and making sure to save it before clicking that godforsaken button luring me in by saying "publish".
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, I guess I'm just plain retarded..

What I had written was about what's been going on recently and it hasn't been fun so maybe it's better not to write about it in my comeback blogpost?
I'll just sum it up by saying I fell deep down into the abyss of depression and now I've managed to find my way up again and I'm still climbing, reaching for the top this time!

I know I'm awesome and all those who try to make me feel like I'm not can go fuck themselves in the ass with one of my monster high heels ^__^
Throughout my life there has always been people who have tried to break my spirit.
Well, that shit will eventually make me so much stronger so joke's on you!
For your own sakes though, I suggest you stop hating so much.
It makes you ugly on the inside - the only place where it's actually important to be beautiful~