Natalicious

This is about me, myself and I, and everything that comes around

~* Reason *~

Lately I've been having problems with my sleep.

Insomnia and nightmares every night, and it's been bugging the shit out of me.

I thought that as I started feeling more positive about life it would go away, but nah-ah.. still here.

 

Today I found the reason why.

I never thought about it before, which might be strange, but it just never occured to me before this day.

It makes sense now, but it also makes me upset, because it means that I will probaby continue to have these problems until I move to another place..

 

Yeah, that's it, it's this apartment that doesn't allow me to fall asleep.

It's this place that gives me nightmares so that I will wake up.

And no, it's not that I don't like my cute little apartment..

 

About a month ago something bad happened here...

I don't know if this is too much info, I don't know if it's not appropriate, but I will write it anyway because I'm an open person and I don't see what's bad about telling you this.

I'm gonna make a long story short though and just tell you the important part of it.

 

I was being nice and letting a guy (not a stranger) sleep at my place since he missed his last train home.

I was being really sad that night and would've rather been alone, but he said he didn't have anywhere to go and I felt like I couldn't just let him stay out alone all night since he had school the next morning.

When going to bed he came onto me, but I told him I wasn't interested and so he stopped.

Maybe at that point I should've felt alarmed, but I was just tired, sad and wanted to go to sleep.

 

I fell asleep almost instantly, maybe because of the exhaustion from crying a lot.

After a while though (I have no idea how long I had been sleeping) I started waking up again.

Something felt strange and when I opened my eyes I found that he was on top of me.

I didn't get what was happening, I was still half asleep, but soon I understood what was going on.

Not only was he on top of me, he was inside of me..

It all felt like a bad dream, like it wasnt really happening.

Surely this was a strange dream, on of those that seems real but isn't?

I never fully woke up or maybe I just went from sleeping into being in some kind of shock.

I don't even know how long it was going on and I don't know when I fell asleep again, but I did.

I just wanted to wake up quickly and confirm that it was all just in my head.

 

The next day when opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was condom wrapper on the floor.

So it wasn't a dream..

I felt so empty inside, just told him to leave and went to bed again and broke down..

 

Anyway.. that is what happened a month ago.

Today is the first time I actually think about the fact that it happened here, at my place, in my bed..

It all became clear to me when reading about definitions of rape (because of some people I've been doubting that what happened to me even counts since there was no violence involved..not that there had to be any since I wasn't really conscious..).

It said that the victims tend to avoid the place where it happened, which is totally logic and not really something I had to read to know about.

But today was the first time it hit me that I'm in that place EVERYDAY.

This is why I can't sleep.

My subconscious is telling me that this place is not safe, it's telling me not to fall asleep because something bad will happen.

Also when I finally do fall asleep it gives me nightmares to wake me up, like a warning.

This all came to me today and I started crying about it.

I realize now that if I don't get out of this apartment this will continue to haunt me, and I can't just move.

I've been trying not to think about it all, but I know it's tearing on me.

Every time I see a guy that looks like him I get nervous..

When I come home I always look around to see no one is following me..

 

Anyway.. this is getting long.

I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I really don't know what to do now.

I need to sleep, I'm constantly tired.

 

How will I make it in this place until March?

 

 

Polisanmält? :/

Det är hemskt att du varit med om detta, och det är inte lättare att du är på andra sidan kontinenten så vi kan hjälpa till mera. Vi får försöka att ordna med att du kommer från lägenheten,det är klart att det blir en aning bättre men jag tror fortfarande på att du ska komma hem. Du behöver få hjälp med det här och som vi försökt så vet du ju hur det här med hjälp har fungerat i Japan. Att sova ordentligt är A och O det blir ohållbart i längden om det rubbas för mycket. Jag förstår din ångest över att ta ett beslut mitt i allt detta, men Nathalie vi älskar dig och vi vill att du kommer hem <3