Natalicious

Yeah, haven't blogged in a while and this is kinda what I do sometimes right, start with posting some songs ^^;
Some songs I listen to quite much at the moment:


J-son - Pretty Boy


Eminem ft. Rihanna - Love the way you lie


Mini Viva - Left my heart in Tokyo


Slipknot - Snuff




Last but certainly not least x3

Perfume - Chocolate disco



haha yeah, well, sometimes you need songs like this ^^;
And my sister and I, well, we're doing an awesome version of the dance x3

I got my new passport today (thank God!)
Now I only need my high school grades in english and we're good to go.
I called them today so they will fix it and I'll pick them up on monday and send all the papers ^^
About Japan, visa and stuff you know.

Anyway, I do really look like a vampire on my passphoto ;]
The eyes look like they have this icecold color.
That along with my pale skin and dark hair.. well.. I look like a sucker allright x]

My voice sounds a bit weird for the moment.
I've been rehearsing a "little" haha.
I'm going to be a "sing-along-leader" for an event at school called: The whole school sings.
It's difficult singing kids songs ^^;
But at least I almost know all the lyrics by now.

Tomorrow I'll meet Wan actually.
We'll see how it goes, hope it doesn't feel too strange.

Oh well, gotta go help my sister with her studying now.
She has a big test tomorrow so I thought I'd help a little ^^

Ciao!
TTFN :P

Yeah, this blog sure needs one badly right now ^^;
Woah, was that a smiley? Really?
Gosh, this is already looking promising ;P

Last time I wrote I forgot to mention that my mom had her birthday!
Happy birthday, mom ^__^

We went crazy in the grocery store, haha.
We need to be crazy sometimes.
Guess I'm being crazy a lot, but it's all good!

Yesterday I spent some time with Elli baby <3
We had tacos, watched Idol and made videos of us singing - spicegirls+pigtails+ellibaby&natalicious=awesomeness ^__~

Anyway, I'm gonna go do something that makes me feel good.
Not that I know what right at this moment, but still.
I'm creative enough to think of something.

Maybe I should try to finish my costume for halloween.
The wig is looking pretty good now, just needs some finishing touches.
The outfit.. well.. has a lot of work left so I should really get on with it!

No time to waste!
Stayed tuned for more exciting news on.... Nathalie's life!! *woohoo*

I need a drink ...

Breaking a habit, stepping out of the safe zone.
It feels strange and unusual..
Loneliness is creeping up behind me, nagging me in the back.
Stop it!

I don't wanna say goodbye, that's not my intention.
I wanna talk, laugh, embrace...
Damn the feeling of missing someone!
At least in this case..

Everything's so complicated.
I feel like I'm losing a very precious friend.
Do I have to?
Is that the way it's going to be?

Fucking confusion, give me some clarity anyone?
I'm feeling good enough to go to work now, but I constantly feel like something's missing.
Am I even allowed to have these thoughts and feelings?
Does it make me sound like a schizo bitch?

Wow, my mind's a blur..
My head is filled with so many questions.
My blog has turned emo despite the overly cute design.
I've turned sad despite being one of the most laughing persons in the entire world.
Nothing makes sense, what's going on?
Someone wake me up from this weird dream already..

I don't even know what I'm saying.. or writing.
Focus, focus, focus... focus?
Focus means what now again?
Someone give me a 1on1 please...
1 on 1... wan... I hope he feels OK soon.
I hate to see him this way.
I wish we could skip this whole thing and be friends ...
See each other, have sushi, movie nights, talk, hang out, have fun...
Guess it's possible it might never be that way.
I'm torn...


Anyway, sorry for being this way, but I can't really help it right now.

Please don't stop loving me <3

Just woke up, exhausted from these recent days drama and trauma.
Took the day off from work to get myself together again.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully my mind will be in better balance then.
I think it will.

Yesterday I broke up with Wan.
I don't need to get into details on that.
What I do need is to have some time figuring out how to deal with everything I've been through now.
I still hope we can be friends, we didn't end things as enemies.
Of course I know the difficulties of being friends with someone you used to be in a relationship with, but it doesn't have to be a close friendship in the beginning.

I had a thought about this whole thing some days ago.
Getting sad in a time like this, when it's getting darker and all.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
Doesn't statistics show that suicide rates increase during the winter?
OK, don't panic now, I would never kill myself.
But I mean, could the darkness be an increasing factor to my pain?
I've always liked the winter though, and the darkness.
Maybe in my case it's a good thing.
This is the autumn though and even if the trees look beautiful right now, soon comes the horrific times of rain and wind *shrugs*
ByTheWay, don't you think autumn sounds so much better than fall?

I'm going to the kitchen now, I'm so damn thirsty!
I had an awful dream.
I ran around with an urge for pineapple juice.
When I got it I drank the whole thing, but it didn't make my thirst go away.
My dream went on for quite a while before I woke up.
Of course I was thirsty in real life as well.. but there's no juice at home ...

I think I'm gonna go buy some juice!

I know that they exist and I know that I have some from my teens that I wish not to remember again.
I can feel that I have them, I used to be deeply depressed.
Throughout most of my teen years actually.

I never would have imagined that all of a sudden one of them would come back.
From a time when I thought life was good and I was perfectly fine...

From the age of 19 I have felt really good.
I have lived and I have been satisfied with life.
I've felt truly happy, for the first time since my childhood.
There's been nothing to complain about.. until now...

I read that suppressed memories can be obtained again years later and often very randomly by a smell, taste or other things that you identify with the experience that you've blocked away.
That is very, very true.
For me it was a shock.
I wasn't even aware that such a thing had happened to me during the best year of my entire life so far.
I guess I was subconsciously aware, but its not the same.
It's scary how the mind works sometimes.

This happened about a year and a half ago.
It's quite a long time for not even knowing myself what I've been through.
And so, a year and a half later, I'm gonna have to deal with it.
Get through it.
Accept the fact that it has happened.
Try to break down the walls that all of a sudden has built up around me.

On top of that.. the situation that caused this suppressed memory to come back is a whole nother trauma itself.
And I'm gonna have to deal with that as well.
And that sucks...

All of a sudden I feel broken.
Like I can't be myself for some time.
I need to figure out the best way possible to deal with this.
I'm gonna make it, I'm sure, but it's not the easiest task I've had in my life.

Anyway, gonna go to sleep soon.
See if it's possible to get any...
Tomorrow is going to be hard, getting back to work after a weekend like this.
So I really need that sleep!

The unofficial story of course, can't just give myself away like that, can I?
The "official" story is that I suddenly started tasting blood in my mouth when I tried to fall asleep.
Then I started to feel my mouth filled with blood and I actually spat in my hand to see if I was imagining or not.
I was spitting blood, so it was for real..
I stood over the sink for a whole lot of minutes spitting before it stopped..




Weird.. I have no idea why it started bleeding like that ;S

But as the sick weirdo I am I had to take some pictures - like the on top of this blogpost.
Blood gets me going in a twisted sort of way.. but you already knew that ^^;


btw, don't you just love the contrast of my bloody pics and my "hello-kitty-pink-cutie" blog design? :]

I'm fleeing from this scene
And being caught in a bad dream
The truth becomes the unthinkable

We're out of control asleep at the wheel

please make the end of last night go away...


amen



-----------------------------------------------------------------


I rarely regret things.
One of my mottos are: don't regret ANYTHING..
So yeah, I don't, because what's the point of regret, huh?
You can never ever really take it back (whatever it might be) so you should see it from the positive angle instead - what did you learn and how can you prevent it from ever happening again?
You've learned yet another lesson in life, one F can be turned to an A if you just do your homework.
But some things are harder to deal with.
This one is very personal, for me it's hard to just get over it and live with it.
It makes me feel quite silly, but when I stop to think about it it's not that silly at all.
I have the right to be upset about this, and I have the right to regret not dealing with it differently at the time being.

I know I could have prevented it - but I didn't.
I stopped it, yeah, but I still let it happen.
Then again I had been drinking and .... well... as I see it I wasn't the only one who could have prevented it.
Unlike that other person I don't like to call it "an accident"... for me an accident is a mistake you couldn't really have done that much about.
Something that (if it hurt another humanbeing) could be forgiven for the sake of it being an accident.
This was not an accident..

Anyway, if you knew what it was some of you would say: what's the big deal?
But really, we're all different and if you can't see it from another person's view you should just shut your mouth and keep your opinion to yourself.
Besides, what's a big deal to you might not be as big deal to me.. but I'll still support you and comfort you.
I wont tell you about this though, it's really not suitable for a blog on the internet for everyone to see.
Thus I'll keep it to myself until I meet someone in real life who I find it suitable to talk about this kinds of things with.

I haven't met that person yet, and that's why I have to share it in a different way.
I need to get things out one way or another.
I know what happens if I don't and I have promised myself never to go there ever again...

I think I'm gonna go make myself a chai latte now and listen to some music.
Other than the people who are dear to you, there's nothing that can cheer you up as a cup of delicious Chai Latte and some Music that brings your Dreams alive <3
That's what I need when I'm feeling down, my imaginative mind and something sweet to go with it ^^

It actually works to log in to my blogg.se account today!
I tried yesterday, but it just wouldn't work -.-
Now it does, yeay ^^
I've had some trouble with this site lately, one day it was even impossible to view my blog :(

Right now I'm sitting here alone in my bed waiting for company ;)
Well, not really the way it sounded but.. who gives a swimming duck x]
I AM waiting for Wan, but he's not on his way yet and I'm not really waiting as in sitting here looking at the time wondering when my prince on a white horse will arrive...
Yeah.. what was I saying now again?
whatever..

This was the first day of work for me this week.
My brain still isn't in the best condition..
I corrected the kid's tests today and one of them got a right for his name x]
I lol'd at myself ^^;

other than that I guess the day went well, except for our little fieldtrip.
Riding a bike in the rain - not so hot.
Nathalie with wet hair and wet ass - check x]
at least my mascara didn't run! woohoo

By the way, I found out some disturbing facts yesterday that gave me feelings of agony.
Malin told me that from next year students in Japan will recieve a lot less money than previously!
I felt like throwing up, and not only cause I was sick.
I had already sort of planned a budget for my stay in Japan and all of a sudden it all felt meaningless.
The feeling of happiness and longing for Japan ran away and all I could think of was: how the hell will I manage to survive for a whole year?
I sat down and rethought my budget and made a few changes and - voilá - for some weird reason the result is the same as before x]
That either means I'm a good economic or I was being blonde when I made my first budget plans ^^;
Either way everything feels fine again ^__^
I'm gonna make it after all!
Ureshii~ !

Well well, I should do something of importance now.
Don't know what but I'll figure it out :P

Pack clothes for tomorrow.. that's neccessary.
And take a hot hot HOT shower :D
And.. maybe.. continue with my halloween costume?
If I make something small everyday I'm sure it will be wearable when the time comes x]

Have a good one, people!

Yeah, I need to make this as quick as possible so that I have time to correct errors and solve problems before halloween ^^

I haven't started sewing yet, I need to make the patterns first!
I have the fabric and some stuff for details, but there are a few things I still need to buy.
should do it tomorrow after work, so I can start with the sewing :]
If I succeed in making this costume (which is going to be a bit of a pain in the ass since it's not really a logical outfit, nor t´does it work properly in real life ^^;) it's going to be awesome ^__~
And I will of course use it more times than this one time, there's no way I'm actually making a costume myself and just use it once!
I can think of a few other occasions where it will come in handy .. hehe

I'm still sick by the way ;(
But at least I've accomplished some stuff today as well!
I feel so proud of myself ^^


Do I make a lot of smileys in my blogposts? ^^;

Can't help it, it's a bad habit... ;P

Now that it's getting closer I'm thinking about Japan eveyday.
Which is good I guess, so that I'll be well-prepared ^__~

It's going to be such a great experience!
I really can't wait! (no shit sherlock)
Seeing my friends again, the japanese crazy/cute/beautiful atmosphere, the incredible shopping (which I can't enjoy too much... have to think about saving money this time ^^;), learning more japanese etc.
I love it all :]

Of course, there is a downside to it all.. (yeah, there always seems to be somehow).
Even though I'm super excited there's a lot I'm leaving behind.
So many people I wont see for an entire year, and some people I will see maybe one time during my stay in Japan.
I wish Wannie Honey was as interested in Japan as I am, but he's not.
Otherwise he could come with me ^__^
Now we'll spend months apart :/
But let's focus on the good stuff!
I know I will have an awesome time regardless, but I'm afraid he might get a little bored.
What's Sweden without me? ;P

Anyway, I've managed to do some neccessary things during this day of being sick, so I feel like a good girl now ^^
Otherwise it's easy to sleep the day away (I only slept half of it away ^^;)

Let's wrap this up with some Japan pics, shall we? ^__^





 

Yeap, that's pretty much what this day has been and will continue to be about ^^

Illness - I don't feel very well since yesterday, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow.

Nostalgia - Listening to old music while doing the other stuff :P Damn I listened to some crazy shit when I was younger! Some of the songs I don't even recall ever hearing ^^;

Laundry - Is neccessary sometimes.. frankly quite often ^^;

Cleaning - Same as with laundry, ne?

Japan - Planning and searching around the internet for apartments etc. I found the perfect apartment <3 ^__^
But I probably wont get it ;/ Since I can't apply for it yet before I know how much money I'll have each month..
It was a pretty great deal considering Japan's high rental costs (in sweden it would probably be half the prize).
So I really hope I can get it or find something similar.
2 rooms, kitchen and balcony ^__^ I want!