Natalicious

I just noticed that I had the right.. ehm.. adapter?
well, whatever it's called I had it, to charge my cellphone from Japan ^^

I'm gonna talk about Japan at work on monday and I thought I could show it.
Unfortunately I have totally forgot the security code and I can't find it anywhere..
Luckily I can still use it in something called "simple mode".
However.. I decided that I don't want to show it in simple mode because the letters where too overly sized ...
Problem is, I can't find a way to exit the simple mode!
Damn it...
Simple my ass!

I know that there IS a way of doing it because.. well.. I changed a few times.
Maybe it's limited somehow..
Change it 4 times and then stick with what you've got? ^^;
Maybe it was in the manual.. too bad I can't read kanji x]

It brings back a lot of memories checking through these things.
Wonder if my PASMO card still works?
Maybe it says something on it.
Would be great if I could just continue to use it..
Not that it would be too hard getting a new one, but still!

So.. guess I haven't blogged in a while, huh?
Maybe my life's just too boring?
Or maybe I'm saving my energy for Japan.
That blog will be way better ;P

Right now I'm on medicin.. again!
Seriously, it's getting quite tiresome -.-
And it's also getting tiresome that the health centre insists on me coming back like a 100 times before they can tell me what it is..
It's no fun being sick all the time.. especially not now that I only have little time left at work!
2 weeks! crazy! ;(

Sitting on the floor leaning against my pole...
I recall promising you some videos of me doing some moves?
Or maybe that was just me giving you guys a reason to not stop reading..
or a reason to stop perhaps? x]
anyway, that great epiphany I had about pole fitness wasn't really that great after all.
this ceiling was not really built to hold a pole and after a few.. spins or whatever it gets a little loose and dangerous.
I'm thinking about whether I should bring it to Japan or not?
Maybe my ceiling over there will be stronger and better.
Guess I should find it out before I ask someone to send it over to me.

haha just had another great epiphany.
I definately need a pole over there!
Think about the parties I could through..
Or if I'm bored I can just call for some entertainment x]
Japanese maids.. *lost in my fantasies*

Haha it feels like my nose is gonna start bleeding.
I'm not turning japanese, I'm turning manga xP

OK, I should stop writing now..
It's not gonna get any better, just worse and worse.
For a person like me with not too many limits, worse... is like.. really bad x]
So I'm keeping it safe and go do something else.
Maybe I'll knit some.. and take my medicin..
damn I sound like an old lady ^^;
I either turn old lady or kid when I'm sick.
And zombie... I zombie a lot...

Let's all hope I am well until x-mas and NYE ^__~

Baibai cuties~

Yeay :P

I'm done for the day actually.
Now I'm just waiting for my ride ^^;

Listening to music, drinking hot chocolate..
Haha but it's OK, because I've finished writing (paperwork today).

I wonder if there's anything else I can do while I wait.
Maybe I should go see if thereäs anyone left here..
I think there is, but ti's always quite empty at these hours.
Empty and dark..
I'm always getting ideas for horror movies when I walk the corridors when it's so dark x]
Can't help it really, I'm interested in making movies so a lot of times I'm pretending it's all a movie and I get ideas for writing a script.
That reminds me, I should finish my movie! And film it ;)
It's awesome ;D

Anyway, I'm gonna go for a dark walk now ^__~

Baibai~

Not in a good way though.
I've been soooo tired :(
Maybe it's because I've been sick and was eating penicillin until wednesday.. I don't know.
All I know is that I've been a zombie everyday after work..
So I had a calm friday, went to bed early and out of bed late :P
So now I should be fit for fight again ^__~

We'll see what I'll do tonight.
Haven't decided yet, but I gotta do something.
Have had no life for too long now..
2 weeks of boredom and sickness!
Bad shit is over now, on to the good shit ;]

I went to the health centre yesterday for the second time during the time I've been sick.
I met with a doctor who checked my throat and all.
He prescripted some penicillin for me.
I love him <3 haha
Not that I wanna be in need of medicin, but seriously, when you've been sick for so long it's great.
I can already feel a huge difference from before ^__^
I can even hold a tune now!
Even though I sound like Bonnie Tyler or something ^^;

On monday I'm sure I will be in as excellent shape as I normally am ;)

URESHII~

Maybe I can even do something this weekend!
Who knows..
Not today though, but maybe I'll feel fine tomorrow.
Hope I'll be fine enough to do something.
I miss hanging out with people ;(

Yeah, it's snowing outside and I just realized something.
Tomorrow when I'm going back to work I will be stepping outside for the first time in a few days and it will feel like a whole different time of year!
Last time I was out it wasn't really that cold and there was no snow..
Now (at least from what I've heard) it's really cold outside and.. yeah like I said, its snowing.

I feel a little better now actually.
I still can't talk and I did throw up again.. but still, my throat doesn't hurt as bad and I don't have a fever!
Yeay, I'm getting better.
Which is definately neccessary right now because I HAVE to go to work tomorrow.
Since the health centre says there's nothing wrong with me (retards..).
And this is my 5th day staying home being sick.
But it totally feels like I can handle it tomorrow, assuming that I feel better tomorrow than I do today.
I hope I'm not coughing too much.. it's really gross.
Oh, I also hope I don't throw up either ^^;
I refuse to do it at my workplace!

I also wish that my voice comes back soon!
It's really annoying and sad to not be able to speak or sing ;(

..that whenever your sick you always feel really motivated to do things that our physically unable to do at the time? hehe
At least that's how it is in my case.
I always feel very motivated to workout.
during these days of sickness I've been very motivated to sing and make songs.
Only problem is.. well.. I can't even talk so how could I sing?
Anyway, I've decided to write and record songs before going to Japan.
I have 4 months without a full-time job so I should have the time :P

I guess what I could do is write a lot that could possibly become lyrics.
But I don't know if i'm willing to take the risk to subconsciounsly include disgusting sickness related words ^^; haha
I should write anyway, since I feel so motivated.
Can't just let it pass just because I can't sing!

Hope you guys are healthy and well <3
I'd hate for ya'll to feel the way I feel ^^;

btw, have I told you that I've created a new blog that I will use during my stay in Japan?
I haven't used it yet and it's not finished, but I'll give you the address soon :]

Spotify is soooooo much better now :]

I decided to see what other asian bands they have now..
I found BIGBANG, 2ne1.... and... The GazettE!!!! ^__^ <3<3<3<3<3<3
Only 3 songs so far, but who cares.
It's more than none, and I love it <3

OK sorry, I just become so fangirlish when it comes to them ^^;
I don't think I would be able to handle it i fI saw them live.. or met them.
I'd cry, laugh, scream, faint.. well.. yeah, normal fangirl busniess, ne? x]
When I'm in Japan I'll surely go see them live...
We'll see if I live to tell the story ;) haha

Off to see what other bands are on there :]

I got my new passport today (thank God!)
Now I only need my high school grades in english and we're good to go.
I called them today so they will fix it and I'll pick them up on monday and send all the papers ^^
About Japan, visa and stuff you know.

Anyway, I do really look like a vampire on my passphoto ;]
The eyes look like they have this icecold color.
That along with my pale skin and dark hair.. well.. I look like a sucker allright x]

My voice sounds a bit weird for the moment.
I've been rehearsing a "little" haha.
I'm going to be a "sing-along-leader" for an event at school called: The whole school sings.
It's difficult singing kids songs ^^;
But at least I almost know all the lyrics by now.

Tomorrow I'll meet Wan actually.
We'll see how it goes, hope it doesn't feel too strange.

Oh well, gotta go help my sister with her studying now.
She has a big test tomorrow so I thought I'd help a little ^^

Ciao!
TTFN :P

Yeah, this blog sure needs one badly right now ^^;
Woah, was that a smiley? Really?
Gosh, this is already looking promising ;P

Last time I wrote I forgot to mention that my mom had her birthday!
Happy birthday, mom ^__^

We went crazy in the grocery store, haha.
We need to be crazy sometimes.
Guess I'm being crazy a lot, but it's all good!

Yesterday I spent some time with Elli baby <3
We had tacos, watched Idol and made videos of us singing - spicegirls+pigtails+ellibaby&natalicious=awesomeness ^__~

Anyway, I'm gonna go do something that makes me feel good.
Not that I know what right at this moment, but still.
I'm creative enough to think of something.

Maybe I should try to finish my costume for halloween.
The wig is looking pretty good now, just needs some finishing touches.
The outfit.. well.. has a lot of work left so I should really get on with it!

No time to waste!
Stayed tuned for more exciting news on.... Nathalie's life!! *woohoo*

I need a drink ...

Breaking a habit, stepping out of the safe zone.
It feels strange and unusual..
Loneliness is creeping up behind me, nagging me in the back.
Stop it!

I don't wanna say goodbye, that's not my intention.
I wanna talk, laugh, embrace...
Damn the feeling of missing someone!
At least in this case..

Everything's so complicated.
I feel like I'm losing a very precious friend.
Do I have to?
Is that the way it's going to be?

Fucking confusion, give me some clarity anyone?
I'm feeling good enough to go to work now, but I constantly feel like something's missing.
Am I even allowed to have these thoughts and feelings?
Does it make me sound like a schizo bitch?

Wow, my mind's a blur..
My head is filled with so many questions.
My blog has turned emo despite the overly cute design.
I've turned sad despite being one of the most laughing persons in the entire world.
Nothing makes sense, what's going on?
Someone wake me up from this weird dream already..

I don't even know what I'm saying.. or writing.
Focus, focus, focus... focus?
Focus means what now again?
Someone give me a 1on1 please...
1 on 1... wan... I hope he feels OK soon.
I hate to see him this way.
I wish we could skip this whole thing and be friends ...
See each other, have sushi, movie nights, talk, hang out, have fun...
Guess it's possible it might never be that way.
I'm torn...


Anyway, sorry for being this way, but I can't really help it right now.

Please don't stop loving me <3

Just woke up, exhausted from these recent days drama and trauma.
Took the day off from work to get myself together again.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully my mind will be in better balance then.
I think it will.

Yesterday I broke up with Wan.
I don't need to get into details on that.
What I do need is to have some time figuring out how to deal with everything I've been through now.
I still hope we can be friends, we didn't end things as enemies.
Of course I know the difficulties of being friends with someone you used to be in a relationship with, but it doesn't have to be a close friendship in the beginning.

I had a thought about this whole thing some days ago.
Getting sad in a time like this, when it's getting darker and all.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
Doesn't statistics show that suicide rates increase during the winter?
OK, don't panic now, I would never kill myself.
But I mean, could the darkness be an increasing factor to my pain?
I've always liked the winter though, and the darkness.
Maybe in my case it's a good thing.
This is the autumn though and even if the trees look beautiful right now, soon comes the horrific times of rain and wind *shrugs*
ByTheWay, don't you think autumn sounds so much better than fall?

I'm going to the kitchen now, I'm so damn thirsty!
I had an awful dream.
I ran around with an urge for pineapple juice.
When I got it I drank the whole thing, but it didn't make my thirst go away.
My dream went on for quite a while before I woke up.
Of course I was thirsty in real life as well.. but there's no juice at home ...

I think I'm gonna go buy some juice!

I know that they exist and I know that I have some from my teens that I wish not to remember again.
I can feel that I have them, I used to be deeply depressed.
Throughout most of my teen years actually.

I never would have imagined that all of a sudden one of them would come back.
From a time when I thought life was good and I was perfectly fine...

From the age of 19 I have felt really good.
I have lived and I have been satisfied with life.
I've felt truly happy, for the first time since my childhood.
There's been nothing to complain about.. until now...

I read that suppressed memories can be obtained again years later and often very randomly by a smell, taste or other things that you identify with the experience that you've blocked away.
That is very, very true.
For me it was a shock.
I wasn't even aware that such a thing had happened to me during the best year of my entire life so far.
I guess I was subconsciously aware, but its not the same.
It's scary how the mind works sometimes.

This happened about a year and a half ago.
It's quite a long time for not even knowing myself what I've been through.
And so, a year and a half later, I'm gonna have to deal with it.
Get through it.
Accept the fact that it has happened.
Try to break down the walls that all of a sudden has built up around me.

On top of that.. the situation that caused this suppressed memory to come back is a whole nother trauma itself.
And I'm gonna have to deal with that as well.
And that sucks...

All of a sudden I feel broken.
Like I can't be myself for some time.
I need to figure out the best way possible to deal with this.
I'm gonna make it, I'm sure, but it's not the easiest task I've had in my life.

Anyway, gonna go to sleep soon.
See if it's possible to get any...
Tomorrow is going to be hard, getting back to work after a weekend like this.
So I really need that sleep!

The unofficial story of course, can't just give myself away like that, can I?
The "official" story is that I suddenly started tasting blood in my mouth when I tried to fall asleep.
Then I started to feel my mouth filled with blood and I actually spat in my hand to see if I was imagining or not.
I was spitting blood, so it was for real..
I stood over the sink for a whole lot of minutes spitting before it stopped..




Weird.. I have no idea why it started bleeding like that ;S

But as the sick weirdo I am I had to take some pictures - like the on top of this blogpost.
Blood gets me going in a twisted sort of way.. but you already knew that ^^;


btw, don't you just love the contrast of my bloody pics and my "hello-kitty-pink-cutie" blog design? :]

please make the end of last night go away...


amen



-----------------------------------------------------------------


I rarely regret things.
One of my mottos are: don't regret ANYTHING..
So yeah, I don't, because what's the point of regret, huh?
You can never ever really take it back (whatever it might be) so you should see it from the positive angle instead - what did you learn and how can you prevent it from ever happening again?
You've learned yet another lesson in life, one F can be turned to an A if you just do your homework.
But some things are harder to deal with.
This one is very personal, for me it's hard to just get over it and live with it.
It makes me feel quite silly, but when I stop to think about it it's not that silly at all.
I have the right to be upset about this, and I have the right to regret not dealing with it differently at the time being.

I know I could have prevented it - but I didn't.
I stopped it, yeah, but I still let it happen.
Then again I had been drinking and .... well... as I see it I wasn't the only one who could have prevented it.
Unlike that other person I don't like to call it "an accident"... for me an accident is a mistake you couldn't really have done that much about.
Something that (if it hurt another humanbeing) could be forgiven for the sake of it being an accident.
This was not an accident..

Anyway, if you knew what it was some of you would say: what's the big deal?
But really, we're all different and if you can't see it from another person's view you should just shut your mouth and keep your opinion to yourself.
Besides, what's a big deal to you might not be as big deal to me.. but I'll still support you and comfort you.
I wont tell you about this though, it's really not suitable for a blog on the internet for everyone to see.
Thus I'll keep it to myself until I meet someone in real life who I find it suitable to talk about this kinds of things with.

I haven't met that person yet, and that's why I have to share it in a different way.
I need to get things out one way or another.
I know what happens if I don't and I have promised myself never to go there ever again...

I think I'm gonna go make myself a chai latte now and listen to some music.
Other than the people who are dear to you, there's nothing that can cheer you up as a cup of delicious Chai Latte and some Music that brings your Dreams alive <3
That's what I need when I'm feeling down, my imaginative mind and something sweet to go with it ^^

It actually works to log in to my blogg.se account today!
I tried yesterday, but it just wouldn't work -.-
Now it does, yeay ^^
I've had some trouble with this site lately, one day it was even impossible to view my blog :(

Right now I'm sitting here alone in my bed waiting for company ;)
Well, not really the way it sounded but.. who gives a swimming duck x]
I AM waiting for Wan, but he's not on his way yet and I'm not really waiting as in sitting here looking at the time wondering when my prince on a white horse will arrive...
Yeah.. what was I saying now again?
whatever..

This was the first day of work for me this week.
My brain still isn't in the best condition..
I corrected the kid's tests today and one of them got a right for his name x]
I lol'd at myself ^^;

other than that I guess the day went well, except for our little fieldtrip.
Riding a bike in the rain - not so hot.
Nathalie with wet hair and wet ass - check x]
at least my mascara didn't run! woohoo

By the way, I found out some disturbing facts yesterday that gave me feelings of agony.
Malin told me that from next year students in Japan will recieve a lot less money than previously!
I felt like throwing up, and not only cause I was sick.
I had already sort of planned a budget for my stay in Japan and all of a sudden it all felt meaningless.
The feeling of happiness and longing for Japan ran away and all I could think of was: how the hell will I manage to survive for a whole year?
I sat down and rethought my budget and made a few changes and - voilá - for some weird reason the result is the same as before x]
That either means I'm a good economic or I was being blonde when I made my first budget plans ^^;
Either way everything feels fine again ^__^
I'm gonna make it after all!
Ureshii~ !

Well well, I should do something of importance now.
Don't know what but I'll figure it out :P

Pack clothes for tomorrow.. that's neccessary.
And take a hot hot HOT shower :D
And.. maybe.. continue with my halloween costume?
If I make something small everyday I'm sure it will be wearable when the time comes x]

Have a good one, people!

Yeah, I need to make this as quick as possible so that I have time to correct errors and solve problems before halloween ^^

I haven't started sewing yet, I need to make the patterns first!
I have the fabric and some stuff for details, but there are a few things I still need to buy.
should do it tomorrow after work, so I can start with the sewing :]
If I succeed in making this costume (which is going to be a bit of a pain in the ass since it's not really a logical outfit, nor t´does it work properly in real life ^^;) it's going to be awesome ^__~
And I will of course use it more times than this one time, there's no way I'm actually making a costume myself and just use it once!
I can think of a few other occasions where it will come in handy .. hehe

I'm still sick by the way ;(
But at least I've accomplished some stuff today as well!
I feel so proud of myself ^^


Do I make a lot of smileys in my blogposts? ^^;

Can't help it, it's a bad habit... ;P

Yeap, that's pretty much what this day has been and will continue to be about ^^

Illness - I don't feel very well since yesterday, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow.

Nostalgia - Listening to old music while doing the other stuff :P Damn I listened to some crazy shit when I was younger! Some of the songs I don't even recall ever hearing ^^;

Laundry - Is neccessary sometimes.. frankly quite often ^^;

Cleaning - Same as with laundry, ne?

Japan - Planning and searching around the internet for apartments etc. I found the perfect apartment <3 ^__^
But I probably wont get it ;/ Since I can't apply for it yet before I know how much money I'll have each month..
It was a pretty great deal considering Japan's high rental costs (in sweden it would probably be half the prize).
So I really hope I can get it or find something similar.
2 rooms, kitchen and balcony ^__^ I want!

Seriously, haha, it's insane!

The ones that read my blog knows that I'm losing weight now and started boxing.
I'm also taking pills (you didn't know that until know) that helps the body to transform fat to muscles when exercising.
It makes you slimmer and is all natural so they're not dangerous.
You also have to work out and live pretty healthy for them to work!
anyway...
I'm checking my BMI in lack of other things to do right now.
I made a disturbing discovery.

I already knew that I'm considered overweight european standards.
I could actually lose 20 kg (44 lbs) and still be normal weight...
So yeah, I'm a fatty :(
Now, BMI can not be trusted as I'm actually considered pretty normal the way I look so..
To get to the point:
my disturbing discovery is this - in Japan I'm not considered overweight!
I'm considered... obese!!!!
Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
Seriously now, give me a gun and a bullet x]
OBESE?!!
That's like.. so unhealthy it's dangerous right?
On my way to a certain death...
Japanese people think I'm obese...

OK I can't quite let that go.
They must feel such pressure to stay skinny over there!
I'm gonna lose so much weight during my year in Japan...

Rethinking my choice for a halloween costume this year.
Maybe I should just go as a sumo wrestler?
Or santa...
Or winnie the pooh...
Or shrek...
Or a pregnant woman... or man for that matter!
We all know that story right? ^^;



OK, so I don't actually care too much, but of course I care some.
I've lost inches so far, but there's been no weightloss whatsoever.
So while I look slimmer it doesn't show on my BMI x]

Anyway, I feel pretty good about my results so far, but I refuse to go to Japan as obese :P
Overweight in Japan is OK, cause that's like normalweight in european standards and I'm not asian so I'm not expected to be any skinnier than that ^^;


Are you guys normalweight in Japan? ;P